The Camping Story of Doom
by The Grim Wombat
Summary: Chapter 3 finally uploaded! I've had it on my hard drive since June, but I forgot about it. This contains a toe rant, Vash getting hit in the head with a rock, a Batman vs. Superman debate, and a quote from Marvin the Paranoid Android in the authors not
1. Part One: The Bus Ride Of DOOM! Or, Mee...

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~the camping story of doom~

By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese

Author's Note:  This is born from boredom and not having anything to do on the weekend.  So there.

By the way... here's an excerpt from a beautiful song, because I wanna put it here.  K?  Skid Row, Little Shop of Horrors.  And that's all I need to say.  Normal people don't stay up 'till 4 in the morning listening to the soundtrack with their friends.

Poor, all my life I've always been poor,

I keep asking God what I'm for, 

And he tells me, 'Gee, I'm not sure,

Sweep that floor, kiddo.'

Wasn't it beautiful?  Yes.  It was.  There, you have been fulfilled in life.  Now if only you could hear the dentist song...

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The children stood shaking at the bus stop, some clinging to their parents, some madly clutching their precious luggage, all dreading the soon-to be-coming fate that awaited them on the large yellow metal object.

The dreaded words.

Happy Valley Summer Camp for Chibis.

Sure, it doesn't sound all that bad to you, but when you're a little kid, being away from your parents in the middle of the woods is pretty freaky.

Especially if you happen to be Millions Knives or Vash the Stampede.

Vash-chan and Knives-chan were clinging to Rem's jeans, crying their eyes out.  

"I DONWANNA GO!!!" yelled Knives, tears streaming down his face.

Vash grabbed Rem's leg harder.  "PLEASE DON'T MAKE US GO!!!  PLEASE!"  

Rem smiled and kneeled down.  "It's only two months, it'll be okay.  It's not that long."

Vash sniffled.  "Are you sure?"

Rem ruffled his hair.  "I bet you'll enjoy it.  You'll meet lots of new friends."

Knives sat down and yelled.  "NO IT WON'T!!!  WE'LL ALL BE EATED BY BEARS!!!"

Rem sighed.  "Knives, it'll be okay.  I promise."

"NO IT WON'T!!! YOU'RE ABANDONING ME!!!"  He threw his arms around her neck and sobbed harder.  

"It's okay.  You can write home every day.  In fact, both of you promise me you'll do that!"

Vash wiped a sleeve of his red sweatshirt on his nose.  "OK, Rem, I'll do it..."

Rem smiled.  "That's a good boy."  She somehow managed to pull Knives off her neck., and tried to console the crying child.  "Knives, there aren't any bears at summer camp.  The most dangerous thing you'll see there is probably a trout-"

"NOOOOO!!!  PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO THERE!!!  THE FISH'LL EAT ME!!!"

Rem miraculously was able to keep her patience.  "Knives.  Please do this.  For me?"

Knives looked at the ground and shuffled his feet a bit.  "I... I guess..."

Rem smiled and hugged her angels.  

Midvalley had his toy saxophone in one hand and was clinging to Legato's arm with the other (Legato was busily trying to gnaw that particular arm off), and still managing to suck his thumb, a habit that the 9-year old had not been able to kick.  

Meanwhile, a few feet away, a red convertible pulled up.  A door opened.  And another chibi - a very shiny chibi - stepped out.  

A voice from inside the car screeched out an order.  "BDN, when the bus comes, get on it.  And no blinding other kids with your flashlight!"

The car drove away, leaving a sniffling child behind.  "Mommy... daddy..."

And, much to his surprise and happiness, the car reversed and came back.  Only to open the back door and throw a bright pink glitter-covered duffel bag on top of him and drive away again.

To tell the truth, most of the kid's parents had just dumped them there to catch the bus by themselves, quite happy to be rid of them.  If they got hit by a car or fell into a sewer, it was fine by them.

Rem, though, was very protective of her little "children."  Besides, they were so attached to her that they'd probably just run back home anyway.

Which, as much as she loved the twins, was not something she really wanted.  There was a reason she sent them to camp, after all.  She needed a break.

And at that moment, exactly what the kids (well, all but Legato, who figured it would get the leech off his arm) had been fearing came.  The bus.

They all stared at it in horror as the door opened with a sound that seemed to them as evil as the very gates of Hell itself.

And then Knives went into another round of tears.  "I DON'T WANNA GO!  YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!"

Vash smiled sweetly at Rem and grabbed Knives' wrist.  He skipped off to the bus, dragging his screaming brother behind him.

Rem smiled with satisfaction.  _They're finally gone... maybe now I can have some peace and quiet..._

_ _

The sound of Knives's yelling broke her thoughts.  _Well, maybe not yet..._

_ _

The kids filed onto the bus.  Vash picked a seat near the middle, and pulled Knives down next to him.  Vash grinned and waved at Rem out the window.  Knives leaned over Vash and plastered his face up against the window.  Rem laughed and waved at the twins.

Much to Legato's dismay, Midvalley wouldn't let go of his arm, and sat down next to him.  The blue-haired child sighed, leaned his head against the window, and tried to ignore him.

The bus quickly filled up, with all the Gung-Ho Guns about (they took up most of the back third of the bus), and since nobody dared to sit by EG Mine, that left quite a few people who couldn't sit by themselves as they would have liked.

BDN sat down beside Meryl, and fell asleep drooling on her shoulder.  She didn't have the heart to smack him.

Zazie and Kaite, being the adorable little kids that they are, sat together.

Nicholas noticed the empty seat next next to Milly, and decided to take advantage of that opportunity.

"Can I, um, sit here?"

Milly looked up.  "Oh... sure..."

The black-clad boy took off his sunglasses and sat down.  Closing his eyes, he leaned back against the seat.

The bus started up.  Knives slid his face against the glass, and smeared it up pretty badly.  The twins stared out the window until they could no longer see Rem.  Then Knives collapsed on his brother's lap.

Both boys sniffled a bit.  Then, Vash remembered the emergency bag of supplies Rem had given him in his backpack.  

He dug around in there until he found it.

Knives looked at his brother.  "Whatcha doin'?"

Vash grinned.  "I have something good."

"What is it?"

Vash pulled out a bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

Both boys' eyes got huge and twinkly...

Meanwhile, BDN was still drooling on Meryl's shoulder.

And Legato had gotten out his headphones, and was listening to his favorite CD.

Midvalley let go of his arm and was trying to get close enough to Legato to figure out what he was listening to.  The boy pressed his ear up to Legato's.

"Dixie Chicks?  I didn't know you liked country..."

Legato blushed, and pushed the Hornfreak off of him.  "I... um... well..."

Middie got twinkly and averted his eyes.  "I like country too..."

Legato stared at him in amazement.  __ Is he flirting with me?  "Um..."

At the same time, across the aisle, Nicholas was trying to make conversation with Milly.

"I've been up since three this morning."

Milly cocked her head.  "Why?"

"I had to get all my stuff ready."

"Oh."

"And... I'm sorta... sleepy..."  He leaned his head against her shoulder and closed his eyes.

Milly gasped.  _I've never been this close to a boy before..._

She smacked him across the face.  "COOTIES!!!  EEW!"

Nicholas grabbed his cheek.  "Whadidya do that for?" he asked, hurt.

"My big sister told me about cooties before.  She said they're bad."

"Oh."

Both kids sat in silence for a while, and then Nicholas replied, "It's not true, ya know."

"Oh..."

Nicholas fidgeted for a minute.  "So... can I use you for a pillow now?"

A loud smack was heard aross the bus.

~END FOR NOW ~


	2. Part Two: The Androgenous Drill Instruct...

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~the camping story of doom~

By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese

Author's Note:Hey again, y'all!It's ROUNDUP TAIIIIIME!!!GIDDYAP!!!Sorry about that.It's the lack of sugar.This is the not-so-long-awaited PART TWO!

Song thingy of the moment (Don't Feed the Plants, from Little Shop of Horrors):

Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed,

Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California

Made the accquaintance of a new breed of flytrap,

And got sweettalked into feeding it blood,

Thus the plants worked their terrible will,

Finding jerks who would feed them their fill,

And the plants proceeded to grow, and grow,

And begin what they came here to do,

Which was essentially to…

Eat Cleveland

And Des Moines

And Peoria

And New York

And where you live!

::insert weird sound being cut over noises that you hear when they… uuuhh… cut over a song::And if ya wanna hear more, ya gotta buy the soundtrack.OR use Napster.But if you want to experience the true beauty of this truly beautiful musical, buy the soundtrack.The Broadway version.It has so many more beautiful songs, and… um… they all sing so much better than the movie!Seriously… Not to say that I don't truly admire Rick Moranis's singing talents (haaaaack), but… yeah.And anyway, buy the movie.It's so beautiful… ::sniff::And no, they really aren't giving me anything to advertise spontaneously for them.But now, the story.

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Previously, on The Camping Story of Doom…

The bus was coming!Yes!The bus!To the summer camp!Knives was terrified of wild animals, and Midvalley shamelessly flirted with Legato, much to the sadist's dismay.BDN drooled on Meryl's shoulder, and Wolfwood got smacked a bit for trying to sleep on Milly.That about sums it up… Now, join us for the second episode of…

The CAmping Story of **_DOOM!!!_**

About two hours after the trip had begun, the bus pulled into a happy place, at which point the twins ran out of the bus and to the nearest bush to empty the contents of their stomachs- which mostly consisted of half-digested Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

The birds were singing, the grass was green, and the trees were… well, the trees were engaging in very treelike behavior, and Nicholas was currently bleeding from the nose.There was a very good reason for this, let me tell you.

See, Milly isn't the type that you want to spook when she's sleeping.It's just not a very safe thing to do.Unfortunately for Nick, he found that out the hard way.

~Flashback~

Nicholas stared at the sleeping Milly.And stared.And stared.And stared.And then he stared some more.And just when he was about to go into another hearty round of staring, when suddenly…

BUMP BUMP THUD!

The bus went over a speedbump.

"AAH!" yelled Milly, startled awake.

"AAH!" yelled Nicholas, startled by her sudden high-pitched screaming.

"AAH!" yelled Milly, mostly because of Nick's yelling, but partly because he'd been staring at her.

"AAH!" yelled Nicholas, reeling in pain because of the sudden burst of pain in his nose.

He had just discovered Milly's natural reflexes.

~End Flashback~

Nick walked out of the bus, tilting his head back and pinching his nose, closely followed by a very concerned Milly.

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to… you startled me, that's all.Are you sure you're okay?" 

He looked over at her through half-closed eyes."Do, really, id's oggay, dode bedshid id…"

Milly was confused."What?"

"I said… Id's ogay, dode benshin id!"

Milly stared at him blankly. "I… don't speak Tagalog…"

Nicholas sighed."Id's dod Dagalog, id's… dever bide…"

Meanwhile, still on the bus, Rai-Dei and Chapel were trying to remove Meryl from underneath BDN's still sleeping self.It wasn't going too well.

About twenty minutes later, most of the kids were lined up (well, as lined up as chibis who've been cooped up in a bus for 2 hours can be) in front of the main building, where the cabin arrangements were posted.

It also happened to be where a short, obese, androgenous truck driver sort of person was speaking into a loudspeaker while standing on a podium.

And talking, too."When I give the signal," he/she/it held up a whistle on a string around it's neck, "you have permission to come and look at these sheets, which contain your bunking partners!For the reason that there is a sad lack of girls," here the creature looked harshly at Milly, Meryl, and Dominique, "we have decided to mix it up!So, some of you guys might be sharing a cabin with one of them."

Vash grinned at Knives, who rolled his eyes and looked away.Wolfwood's nosebleed seemed to worsen, interestingly enough.

After the androgenous camp counselor had finished pausing, it continued."Now, since you will be in the prescence of ladies, I expect you to be on your best behavior.On another note, I want to tell you all how this camp works.You will report to mess hall when the bell rings, three times a day."

"Mess hall?" Vash whispered to Knives."What is that guy, an ex-drill instructor?"

"I think it's a girl," Knives replied.

The thing kept talking."At 8 in the morning, I expect you to be out of bed and ready for breakfast!And every night at 8, the bell will sound for lights-out.Furthermore, after you've reported to your cabins, you will be expected to report back to this spot at the next bell.At that point, you will sign up for the events you will be participating in!Are there any questions?"

Everyone shifted and looked at each other uneasily.Then, Vash raised his hand, bouncing up and down and grinning wildly.

"YES!You, hoppy boy over there!"

"Well, I was just wondering if… um… ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN?!"

There was a dead silence.Vash grinned.The counselor glared.

Knives looked around, and quickly grabbed his brother, putting a hand over Vash's mouth."Don't mind him, please, he knows not what he does, and he has a tendency to speak without thinking, and he has ADD, and-"

The counselor smiled sweetly, and disturbingly.

"It's okay, there'll be no more questions.Now, each of you will have your own cabin buddy!You and your buddy will be in the same activities, sit with each other at lunch, and basically do everything with you.Ever heard of the BUDDY SYSTEM?YEAH!That's what it is.There will also be a counselor for each separate cabin, who sill make sure you stay in line, and go to bed at the appropriate time.However, they will not be sleeping in the same cabin with you."

A sigh of relief was heard from all the kids, except for Milly, who wouldn't think of anything bad to do anyway, and BDN, who was too busy staring at the pretty colors everywhere to be listening well.

"FURTHERMORE!We will be doing physical activities every Friday.Rafting, hiking, and everything else you can think of!"

There was more silence, then the counselor blew the whistle.Everyone scrambled towards the paper posted on the side of the main building.

BDN got there first, and blocked the way for everyone else.He stood there for a minute, then headed off towards the cabins, dragging his bright pink duffel bag behind him.

Everyone crowded around.Meryl, in the front, called out, "Who's Midvalley?"

The small boy clutching a toy saxophone stepped forward."Who else is there?LEGATO?" he said, in a frantic begging tone.Legato cringed in the crowd.

Meryl shook her head."Hoppered… and that's it.We have three."

A high-pitched cracking "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" echoed through the crowd.

Nicholas stepped up, closing his eyes and crossing his fingers."Pleeeeeeease…"He slowly opened one eye."YES!"He skipped over to Milly, who stared at him quizzically."We're in the same cabin!"

"Oh… wow…"

"Yeah, I know!" he said, grinning."And there's some other people I don't know.Rai-Dei and BDN."

Legato walked over to the list calmly, glanced at it, and said evenly, "Knives, Grey, and Leonof, please gather here."

The rest of the sorting went uneventfully.Vash, EG Mine, Dominique, and Caine were all in the same cabin.Zazie, Kaite, Monev, and Chapel also were put together.The kids headed off towards their respective cabins, speculating about what would come next.

~End Part Two~

Soooooo… What did ya think?It's kinda boring, but the next chapter'll be better, I promise! 


	3. Part Three: The Toes of DOOM! Or, Vash ...

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~the camping story of doom- Part Three!~ 

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Author's Note (June 22, 2001): 

I'M BACK!!! *maniacal cackling echoes in the background* 

It's been a while, hasn't it? No, I'm not dead. 

Sorry. I really am... Didn't mean to disappoint you there. So, I'm back with another episode, which should be as good as the other two (sorry again) but I don't know, because I'm too lazy to write the author's note AFTER I write the story. Problems, problems... 

Oh, and I know you've all commented on my creative spelling in the last chapter, sorry again. Too lazy to fix it. Just... ignore. Like I do. 

And the best part of my author's note: The Song Clip of Doom. 

"Because he loves you, cheeseburger, with all his heart, 

And there ain't nothin' gonna tear you two apart, 

And if the world suddenly ran out of cheese, 

He would get down on his hands and knees 

To see if someone accidentally dropped some cheese in the dirt 

And he would wash it off for you, 

Wipe it off for you, 

Clean that dirty cheese off just for you! 

You are his... cheeseburger..." 

It's a clip from "His Cheeseburger," from Veggie Tales. I love that show WAY TOO MUCH. 

Oh yeah. 

Mooooooooo... 

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Author's Note #2 (October 19, 2001): 

I feel really dumb. I was just going through my hard drive and I realized that I had this. Upon further inspection, I realized that I hadn't posted this. 

So I am. 

I'm going to quote Marvin. I like Marvin. He's special. And, well, you see, I've gotten even more infatuated with The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lately, and so, well, here is the quote. 

"My first and only true friend was a small rat. One day, it crawled into a cavity in my right ankle and died. I have a horrible feeling it's still there." 

Poor Marvin. 

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Previously, on The Camping Story of Doom... 

The twins threw up. Wolfwood had a nosebleed. It was Milly's fault. The author couldn't figure out how to spell 'androgynous' and is still not sure she has it right. She spell checked. She does. They got their cabin arrangements. Wolfwood's happy. Midvalley isn't. That's about it. 

The Camping Story of DOOM!!! 

If anyone was more depressed than Midvalley... well, no one was more depressed than Middie. He was depressed. More so than he had ever been in his life. Heck, he was having a midlife crisis, and he wasn't even ten years old. 

He was more depressed than the time he got his big toe slammed in the door and he had to get a cast on it. 

More depressed than the time he fell down the slide at McDonald's and broke his toenail off and had to go to the doctor. 

He was even more depressed than he was that time when he got his toe stuck in the sewer grating outside JC Penny, and everyone stared at him until somebody finally called the fire department, and they had to come and pry the grating apart with a crowbar and he had to spend the next six weeks in toe rehab with this kid named Oscar who only spoke Polish, and Midvalley only knew three words in Polish, but now he knows four because Oscar taught him the word for lip: Usta. 

Thinking back, he realized that almost all of his problems in life up to this point were largely due to his toes. Why do we even have toes?, he thought dejectedly. After all, they're only good for one thing: getting in the way. Your toes will never save you from falling off a cliff, never fix the faulty odometer on your car, never get you a date, and absolutely never, ever, under any circumstances would they help you steer an out-of-control oil tanker through the Arctic Ocean and save hundreds of thousands of innocent fuzzy sea mammals. They won't even brew you a cup of nice warm hot chocolate on a snowy day. So why do we have them? 

Here, Midvalley had hit upon a very interesting point, and, getting off his original depression about not getting paired with Legato, he pondered toes for a few minutes. Then he realized that he was the only one standing out in the field, and decided to head off to his cabin, oblivious to the fact that later in his life, his toes would indeed do all of those things mentioned above and more. Amazing, the way life works, and all due to toes. 

Now, a bit farther away, Vash was happy. Much happier than Midvalley, but not as happy as Wolfwood (who we will come to in a moment). Why, you ask? Well, largely due to the fact that the sugar from those ex-Reese's Peanut Butter Cups was still buzzing in his head, but partly due to the fact that he, himself, Vash-u the Stampede-o, was getting to share a cabin with a girl. Now, at the age he was, 9 to be exact, most boys would be the average cootie-fearing, mud-slinging, non-princely type that you'd typically expect (much like Knives). 

But Vash had an extremely rare hormonal mutation that caused a very extreme reaction to girls. 

Especially cute ones, but he wasn't too particular about that, either. 

And Dominique was, most definitely, a girl. Which explains why she had a boquet of daisies thrust in her face. 

Unfortunately for Vash, she was also a good shot. Which explained why, at that moment, a rock hit him in the forehead with a force that could only be attributed to years of practice. 

Now Nick was happy as well. He, by some lucky act of God, Fate, The Nude Cheese-Wielding Maidens of the South Wind, or perhaps a combination of all three, was getting to carry luggage. 

Now, this wasn't any ordinary sort of luggage. No, it was massive pink luggage. Two suitcases full. 

But what made it so special is not the pink, but the Owner of the Pink, the Pink-Bearer, the All-Powerful High-Reigning Omnipotent Priestess of Pink herself, who had ever so kindly and graciously (in his hormone-clouded mind, anyway) allowed him the honor of carrying her luggage. Yes, this fair maiden, this princess, this goddess who must be perfect in every way, and as such not need to show her wealth and power by carrying her luggage, had blessed him and allowed him, an unworthy man, to do it in her place. 

This was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for Nick. 

"Thank you for allowing me to carry your luggage, fair princess." This was easier than he thought; staying up late to watch those sappy movies on AMC had helped. 

"Um... don't mention it..." said the confused girl, watching Nick haul three suitcases, a backpack, and a giant teddy bear. 

"I'm not worthy of such an honor." 

"Uh... Okay..." 

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Legato opened the door to the cabin, flicked on the lights, and stood in the doorway. He peered around cautiously for anything that might have been hiding in the dark corners. 

"I GET THE TOP BUNK!!!" yelled Knives, knocking Legato onto the floor and scrambling up the ladder. 

Grey and Leonof stared somewhat amusedly at him, while Legato just tried to peel his face out of the wood. 

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Vash opened the door for Dominique and bowed. 

Dominique glanced over at him, and walked inside. Grinning, Vash followed her. 

EG Mine, with the help of Caine, somehow managed to fit through the door. If he could have, he would have gotten the top bunk, but his outfit made it difficult to climb. 

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Kaite and Zazie were hitting it off already. 

"Hey," said the blond boy, "who's better- Batman or Superman?" 

"Well, duh, Zaz, Batman!" 

"Nuh-uh, Superman's way cooler. He has x-ray vision!" 

"Yeah, but Batman has a car! Does Superman have a car?" 

"Superman doesn't need a car! Superman can fly!" 

"Yeah, but Batman doesn't need superpowers! He's got cool weapons!" 

"Oh, come on. Kaite, Superman has to fight scary bad guys! I mean, sure it'd be easy to look good when the worst bad guy you have to fight is a guy who wears makeup and laughs at his own jokes! That's just sad!" 

"Yeah, but Superman has cooties! He has a girlfriend!" 

"No he doesn't! Superman's way too cool to get cooties!" 

"Nuh-uh." 

"Uh-huh." 

"Nuh-uh." 

"Uh-huh." 

"NUH-UH!" 

"Shut up." 

"Make me." 

"Make me make you." 

"Make me make you make me." 

"Make me make you make me make you." 

"Make me make you make me make you make me." 

"Make me make me... what were we talking about?" 

"I dunno." 

"Oh." 

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So, whaddya think? I know there wasn't much, but I'm writing the next chapter, which should be up soon. They tell ghost stories around the campfire... Bwahahaaaa... FEAR THE MOOSE!!! 


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